The Last Adventurer

Author's Note: Sometimes, I like to attempt to extend my range, sometimes I like to try something a little silly. I'd say this piece is a combination of the two - silly, and different for me. As before, its a first draft, a little shorter than the previous entry, but still long to some people. Hope you enjoy it!

___

Liz the Lizard fretted. She pursed her lips and frowned. Her predicament was the result of her friend, Pink Princess, who could be most particular. With mounting mild exasperation, she ignored the constant “Beeps!” of incoming text messages. After all, she was a very sick individual. She had lost her voice that very morning, and even though it had come back, and even though she felt one hundred percent better, and had not changed her daily routine at all, she still had a cold. The only benefit to actually having a slight cold was that she could actually call in sick to work, rather than faking it, like she had originally planned.

Forlornly, her phone buzzed again with its unread messages. Absently, she flipped the lid open and read the fifteen or so misspelled characters. It was her opinion that Pink could be most particular at times. Liz the Lizard wasn’t actually a lizard, it was just a moniker that her friend Pink had given her that rhymed. There was actually nothing reptilian about Liz, in fact, she was just a perfectly normal young woman. It was the same about Pink – she wasn’t a real princess that all, but definitely possessed the regal, demanding attitude of one. In fact, the Lizard thought that her friend was like the younger, bigger sister that she had never had.

Liz didn’t mean bigger in the sense that Pink was fat, she meant that Pink was more mature, but not in an old, wrinkly way, but in that good best-friends-forever type of way. Still, when Liz had tried to explain it to Pink, there had been a rapid exchange of saucy banter between the two of them that was their trademark, because like all good friends, they liked to be spicy with each other. In any case, Liz was not responding to the texts because she had a feeling that Pink was planning something for that Sunday that she did not want to do, even though she had said she would. Regretfully, she read the last text, and replied that, despite her illness, she would go do what Pink wanted.

In exchange, Pink responded that the plans for Sunday would be e-mailed to Liz the next day at nine sharp. Ignoring the fact that the e-mail was likely already in her inbox, as it actually was, Liz went to sleep, and woke the next morning and opened her e-mail. In it, she found a message from Dino, Pink’s husband. Liz sighed. Dino was either boorish or boring, and always prattling on with long-winded stories that she knew no one wanted to hear. She opened the e-mail and began to read. At first, despite her predilection not to, she laughed, because for once, he was actually sort of funny. Then, after ten seconds, she stopped laughing, because it was once again, too long and stuffy.

The e-mail was written in an odd style, not at all like a normal person would talk, and it didn’t tell her in any way what exactly she was going to be doing. Instead, the bulk of it was a strange list of things she was supposed to bring, which stated in part: “…4. The essential object that every hitch-hiker traveling the galaxy needs. (Hint: You also use it after enduring the homo sapiens ritual known as “------”. Additional Hint: Don’t Panic!)…7. A trusty magical device that steals souls and also provides an accurate and complete reproduction of the time-continuum, 8. One Cent in a foreign denomination, 9. One Vegetable that grows from a root…11. One geologic specimen of the “Pet” variety complete with googely eyes…”

“Tim Horton’s Donut Holes!” Liz cursed to herself, wondering how she was supposed to know which of the things to bring, and what exactly they were. She could have asked her boyfriend, who was good at puzzles and ciphers, because, after all, he did have to be smart for his job, but rather than ask, she decided not to bother him.

Liz then spied the line that most disturbed her senses. “Hitch-hikers”. It was the reason she had not wanted to spend Sunday with Pink all along. It was not that they would thumb rides on the side of a freeway, no, in Liz’s mind, that would almost be preferable. It was that Pink, and Dino had some sort of sick fetish for spending time outside, tramping along through the wilderness, hiking, when they could be doing something much more fun, exciting and civilized.

Liz despised hiking. She would much rather be wakeboarding, sun-tanning, or looking for a new Coach bag – anything but hiking. Indeed, the second part of the clue seemed to confirm her suspicions – it clearly said “Don’t Panic!”. Unbeknownst to Liz, Dino was a big fan of the book, The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy, and had been referring to bringing a towel. Liz hadn’t read the book, but had seen the movie, which she had thought was awful, and was too distracted by the threat of walking, as well as the next clue to properly channel references from a movie that she had fallen asleep during anyways.

Fortunately, the phone rang, and it was her biological sister, who was able to tell her that “a soul-stealing device” was a camera. This tidbit of information made Liz relax a little, because she carried her camera everywhere in her trendy but practical purse, and would have felt a little lost without it. Since she was having a very busy and important day, Liz assembled some of the things, but not all, which turned out to be a good idea, because Dino had written the lengthy list at the request of Pink to throw Liz off the trail.

The next day, Liz was running late for meeting Dino and Pink. This was strange in itself, because Liz was never late for anything. With her Carmel half-whip half-foam non-soy full dairy macchiato in one hand, and the other on the wheel, she again worried that perhaps, Pink was taking her hiking, and not to the beach, even though she had brought her swimsuit, but not one cent in foreign money. On her arrival at Pink and Dino’s house, they told her with overly large grins that they were going to the beach. Liz positively beamed with delight at this turn of events, and presented the few items from the list she had brought with her – namely, her suit, camera, a photo of her boyfriend, and part of a potato.

It was at this point that Liz could have asked specifically what beach they were going to, and whether or not she would need a towel, and why the back of Dino’s SUV was covered with a blanket, but she did not, because Pink’s dog, Taco was bounding around with effortless energy, which distracted Liz. Plus, Pink had started to talk to her, which led to a conversation, which allowed Dino to surreptitiously adjust the blanket over the two backpacks that he had secreted in the car before she arrived.

Once everyone was in the car, Liz did not comment on the direction Dino was driving, partly because she had difficulty gaining her bearings, and partly because after ten minutes driving, she became unbearably sleepy. Thus, she did not notice when he first drove South, and then turned East, in the exact opposite direction of the ocean. Moreover, Liz did not notice because she was deeply engrossed in conversation with Pink, who was stating most empathetically that they were going to a private beach in Mexico, and that Liz would not need her passport. Liz did not also notice that Dino spontaneously answered her unspoken question about why they were traveling East, and not West. He told her that it was because they were going to cross at the Calexico border checkpoint, and then head to the beach.

Such an explanation really made no sense at all, for in all practicality it involved driving one hundred odd miles East, and then one hundred odd miles back West to get to the ocean which was a mere five miles away. Had Liz not been distracted, she surely would have noticed it, because she was very astute because she had studied micro-biology at university, a subject almost empty of dunces. Unhappily, Liz was distracted. From the aforementioned sleepiness, which invariably she felt after any car ride longer than nine minutes, to the assorted calls and messages she received on her phone, and along with the conversation with Pink, Liz had not a moment to focus her attention on one item alone, let alone the duplicity of her friends.

Much as she lost the direction they were traveling, she missed the constant entendres and sly glances Dino and Pink shared as the car ride became ever longer, snaking off the freeway, in what was actually a Northerly direction onto side roads. Eventually, the road curled up past a lofty stone peak, which Pink discussed with her briefly, before ending the cruel charade by telling her in no uncertain terms that there was going to be no margaritas, no Mexico, no beach, and nothing enjoyable at all because they were going to be hiking.

“Canadian Moose Poop!” Liz thought in disgust at the state of affairs as they parked. Even though she had suspected, she had hoped that Pink would have at least some sense of decency and not subject her to such a horrific activity. She hated hiking almost more than anything. The sport, if you could call it that, she thought crankily, involved being sweaty – very sweaty, which was unpleasant, and very uncouth; and it involved being disgustingly dirty – and even involved coming into contact with dirt, not something that a lady enjoyed. The only bright spot was that Pink and Dino were going to portage all of the gear in backpacks.

Up the trail the three of them trekked. The humid, cloying air whispered around their ankles, binding dirt and ash to their calves in a sooty mess. Frantically, Liz tried to avoid the clouds of dirt that Dino exuded as he trampled along, as well as the dainty wisps of soil that flowed from Pink’s feet. Angrily, she tried not to complain about the rank injustice of her Sunday being rudely interrupted by the calm beauty of nature. Despite everything, she managed a concession of a smile at the summit, because she even had to admit that the view was somewhat impressive.

Down the short track of dusty trail, however, she decided that she would proffer no such pleasantries, as she was disgustingly dirty. Once back in the hot car, she could only sulk in sleepy sweaty silence as they drove back to town. Although Dino and Pink did attempt to mollify her with food back at her house, she had come to one conclusion – she was going to get revenge. She was going to make them do something – she wasn’t sure what, because both of them were easy going – but she was going to get them to do something that they absolutely despised.

She decided it was a fantastic plan, and one that she would definitely stick to, no matter what else happened. It was at this moment of iron resolve that she entered her parked car to drive home, and noticed that her block of cheese that she had purchased that morning had melted into a packaged, gloopy mess. Distracted by the cheesy mess, she absently answered her ringing phone, and as she started talking about something unrelated, all of her revenge plans vanished, because she had forgotten about the unpleasantness of the whole day, choosing to merely wonder how she had managed to get so dirty. That thought couldn’t even hold her attention, and eventually, consumed with more important thoughts and issues she decided that if the previous issues were really important, she would have remembered, because she wasn’t absent minded in any way.